dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
