Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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