He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Quick, to the slutcave!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
my liver is dry heaving
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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