Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
