dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
