There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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