Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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