your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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