i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
