I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
