My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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