i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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