she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
