College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
