she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
