His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
