dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
