There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
