i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
