anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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