i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
