Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
