Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
