Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
