Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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