im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
