Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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