How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
