Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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