He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
