dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
