when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
