My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
