So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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