My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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