this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
