She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
