he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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