your parents love me but you hate me
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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