Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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