He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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