So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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