i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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