i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
