how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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