I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
