I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
