I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
