Don't EVER smell your tampon
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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