I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
