No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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