She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
